In today's fast-paced and overly `connected' (to devices) world, building strong connections with our children is more important than ever. The biggest disconnect in relationships today is often between parents and their children, especially when children enter their teenage years. Meaningful conversations play a pivotal role in fostering understanding, trust, and emotional bonds between parents and their kids. In this article, we will explore effective strategies and techniques to connect deeply with your children and create opportunities for meaningful conversations that can strengthen your relationship.
The default setting
Allah (swt) has bestowed children with a natural inclination to adore their parents. In their formative years, parents are the heroes who command their unwavering affection without having to perform any extraordinary feats. Regrettably, many parents tend to overlook this precious gift, failing to capitalize on it or even sustain it. It's essential to acknowledge that preserving this adoration requires consistent effort and commitment; it is not achieved through neglect, indifference, or inattention.
Build on the default
The first and foremost task is for parents to build on this default setting. Don't let busyness steal away your connection with your most dependent and most beloved creatures. Your little ones start eating from your hands, then they enjoy eating in your presence and then somewhere down the line family meals vanish and everyone has their own schedule and private space. This needs to be nibbed in the bud. Never let the family meal die and if it's already dead, revive it (at least once a day) on a priority basis. Also, don't allow any gadgets on the dining table during this valuable time, as then you won't be able to get your children's attention easily.
Free up their time first
If you don't already have such a relationship with your children where they eagerly listen and talk to you and enjoy being in your company, you have to plan a bit first. The planning starts with freeing up their time, especially from leisure activities which are addictive and also unhealthy. Yes, I'm referring to the use of screens! Be it mobile phones, tabs, computers, or their favorite gaming consoles, you need to regulate their usage. Just like you can't expect your child to eat homecooked food after he just has munched on his favorite fast food, you shouldn't expect them to respond to your request for `discussion', `family time', or whatever you call it while they believe its screentime. Uncontrolled screen time and social media usage are the main culprits when it comes to children's attitudinal, psychological, and physical problems. Given the gravity of the situation, as parents, we need to gear up for this challenge and radically revamp their screen usage. Although there is no patent solution for dealing with these issues as every child and their circumstances are unique, some general guidelines can help a lot.
1. Children are copycats, most of their initial learning is through copying, so be the right role model. Have some strict screen rules for yourselves early on. E.g. Turn off the internet for yourselves for certain hours of the evening. Don't attend calls during meals. Don't allow phones into the bedroom/living room. If you need to pick up or make a call, designate an area (like the staircase) for that.
2. Try to delay screen exposure for children as much as possible, ideally till 7 years. Don't fall prey to waswassa that your child will lag in learning, quite the contrary will happen, but yes it's a tiring process for the parents to engage a child of this age group in meaningful and gadgetless activities.
3. At whatever stage you start giving access to a gadget, try to delay giving them 'their' device for as long as possible. At first, it should be 'your' device that they use, this naturally restricts usage time and grants you genuine oversight. Later on, when this arrangement isn't practical anymore, children should get a 'community' device, which isn't bought in anyone's name and is used collectively, in turn. This also limits usage and grants oversight to you and more importantly to each other (siblings).
4. The device of choice should be the biggest, immobile of all, like a desktop computer, which is situated in a community area like the lounge, with the screen facing the room and not a wall. The least preferred of all should be small-screened mobile devices. It's not just their eyes that you'll spare from unnecessary burden, but you'll also save your children from this newfound evil concept of privacy.
5. Another fitnah that you should try your best to keep your kids away from is social media, particularly having their own accounts. If at all, they should be using yours and preferably together with you. You will have to change your habits of posting pictures online for them not to acquire this behavior.
6. Once children have their devices and their accounts, your parenting goal should be to be on their friends list on these various platforms and also that they don't lock away their devices and accounts from you. Again, don't fall prey to the privacy waswassa. Obviously, to achieve all this, the one who needs to change the most is you, in terms of your temperament, focus, lifestyle, and above all your relationship with your children and spouse.
Substitute their leisure-time activities
You can't take away their leisure-time activities without providing them with alternatives. Any alternative that involves hobbies, physical play, nature, animals, and people, getting their hands dirty, has a four-fold advantage over screens and gadgets. Firstly, they will learn real-life skills without compromising their health. Social skills, psychomotor skills, and strength, all come from physical activities, not from living in a cyber world. Secondly, you as parents will have many more chances to be present in their lives and join them in most if not all of those activities. This will provide you with an opportunity to bond with them, and also to converse. Thirdly, when children participate in physical activities like soccer, tag, or hide and seek, their bodies release endorphins, also known as "happiness hormones." These endorphins induce feelings of joy and reduce stress and anxiety, promoting a positive emotional state. Lastly, physical games provide a unique benefit by tiring kids out physically. This natural fatigue helps regulate their playtime, preventing them from endlessly seeking more entertainment. In contrast, computer games often lead to the excessive release of dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. This can create an insatiable desire to keep playing, making it difficult for children to stop when asked. As a result, choosing physical games over computer games not only triggers happiness hormones but also fosters a healthier balance between play and rest, reducing conflicts and stress between children and their parents.
Choose the time wisely
Selecting the right time for discussions and conversations with children is crucial to effective parenting. These conversations must occur when both parents and children can be fully present and focused, without distractions or interruptions. This means to be engaging and meaningful they shouldn't disrupt children's leisure time. Similarly, parents being occupied with other tasks can inadvertently convey a lack of interest in their children's concerns. Put away your distractions, such as smartphones and work-related thoughts, and focus on your child. This simple act of undivided attention shows them that you value their thoughts and feelings. It's essential to find a middle ground, choosing an appropriate time, perhaps during a designated family meeting or a calm moment, where parents can provide their undivided attention, but also the children are not distracted and their minds are not stuck in something more enjoyable from their perspective.
Set aside individual time for each child
Though collective activities are very important, they don't preclude the need for individual time each child requires. These one-on-one interactions with each child need to be planned into our weekly routine too. It could be during chores, where the kids while helping out get a `private slot' with the parent. It could also be during a walk to the mosque, a trip to the market, attending a funeral, or something more involved like a bike ride together. It is particularly important to have such moments for the mothers with their daughters and the fathers with their sons.
Learn to listen actively
Active listening is a crucial skill for meaningful conversations. Today, perhaps the most difficult task for us is to listen. We are so fond of talking, quickly responding, and reacting that listening is something that needs to be relearnt. Make eye contact, nod, and use verbal cues like "I see," "Tell me more," or "How did that make you feel?" This conveys that you are genuinely interested in what they have to say. Be empathetic, it shows your acceptance of your children's experiences and emotions. Acknowledge their feelings, even if you don't necessarily agree with them. This validation helps build trust and connection.
Clarity on the objectives of your conversations
Parents often wonder `what' to discuss with their children. There is no limit to the discussion types. It should be anything and everything. The objective of the discussion should be clear because the content will then be chosen accordingly. The following objectives are crucial and should always be kept in mind:
1. Building and strengthening your relationship with your child
This is perhaps the objective parents struggle the most. Each discussion you are having with your child should have this element in it. The most effective way is to start by sharing your own thoughts, experiences, and feelings as reciprocity in communication is important. This not only allows them to get to know you better but also models healthy communication. And then instead of asking closed-ended (yes-or-no) questions, ask open-ended ones that encourage your children to elaborate and share more. For example, instead of asking, "Did you have a good day at school?" you could ask, "What was the best part of your day today?".
2. Transferring vital knowledge and concepts
Parents are the first source of everything, including information, for their children. This is a huge responsibility. Laying a strong intellectual and spiritual foundation is paramount and if done correctly, it will be unshakeable for the rest of their lives. This includes the proof of Allah, the proof of the need of messengers, and the proof that the Quran is the word of Allah and hence the miracle bestowed on Prophet Muhammad (saw). Our discussions need to be age-appropriate. This means will need to constantly recalibrate our story-telling style and content as they grow. For instance, parents the simple metaphorical parable of two babies in a womb↗ to explain the concept of Allah, Akhirah, and the inherent difficulty in understanding these concepts. The parable goes down to the level of kids and beautifully explains how we might not be able to `see' something, but rational thought and inference will lead us to the truth.
Parents can also utilize the medium of books. The books your children will like the most and learn from the most will be those that you read together. Even with grown-up children, you could both be reading the same book, according to your schedule and then have meaningful discussions on it.
3. Shaping their emotions and feelings towards world events
For this, you will need to be abreast of the political, economic, and technological developments around you. The deeper your understanding, the better will you be able to discuss. The ongoing conflict in Palestine is a good example. You can read the following article to get an idea of how and from what different perspectives it could be discussed with our children. [https://mindsieves.com/how-to-discuss-the-ongoing-palestine-conflict-with-your-children-and-everyone-else/]
4. Enabling them to introspect and reflect on their intentions, desires, and actions:
Once we have developed a deeper bond with our children and they are into the habit of sharing their views and feelings with us, then is the time to have discussions on their innermost feelings, often termed as values. These discussions could begin by asking, "What characteristic do you like most about yourself, what would you like to change most in yourself" etc. You could make this into gameplay, so they won't lose interest and keep coming back for such personal discussion.
Start scraping stories
All this is a lot of work and needs a lot of knowledge. This means if you are not in the habit of reading a newspaper daily, reading the Quran (in a language which you understand), watching documentaries, reading political analysis, and the like, you will have to develop these. We are also bombarded with information 24/7 through social media, chats, emails, TVs, etc. and some valuable stories are definitely share-worthy. What we need is a mechanism (e.g. maintaining a diary) where we note down all such stuff and then bring it up in our discussions. The Quran is full of such stories, particularly conversations between fathers and sons (Nuh (as), Yaqub (as), Ibrahim (as), Luqman (as)), which serve very well to learn this art of conversation and also get inspiration.
With respect and patience
I don't like to use the word `judgemental' because, in a purely Western context, it means that we respect any kind of bizarre and even un-Islamic behavior without criticizing or expressing dissent. This of course is not what Islam teaches us, particularly not in the case of those we are responsible for. We know the importance of `amr bil maruf wa nahi anil munkar' (enjoining the good and forbidding the evil). So while being judgemental, we need to be respectful. Our objective shouldn't be to embarrass, demean or mock, but to guide, help and correct. When someone confides you with their innermost feelings, that is a huge `amanah', a trust which needs to be guarded. This will require a lot of patience. Meaningful conversations may not happen overnight. Some children may take time to open up, while others may prefer to communicate through non-verbal means, like drawing or writing. Be patient and persistent in your efforts.
If any of this is live in your own home right now, the first conversation is free.
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